Permission to feel
I really considered opening this essay with a quote from You’ve Got Mail. I spared you because 1) I’m aware that I need to unlearn my 7th grade Language Arts conditioning that thinks the best way to grab someone’s attention in an essay is to begin with a quote, and 2) I realize that not everyone may find that movie synonymous with fall the way that I do… anyway, I love that movie and you can bet your ass that I’m listening to “Dreams” by The Cranberries as I write this.
My friend and I always say that the month of September feels like a new school year. It’s an electric sort of feeling; an opportunity to begin again, try something new on – the FRESH feeling in the air is palpable. It just so happens that this season change is aligning perfectly with a personal change that I’m currently going through, so I’m feeling extra introspective about my feelings toward *change* in general.
I’ve grown to like change a lot more, but historically, my brain and body have been in conflict about it. Along with the excitement I feel sparked by change, I can almost always count on anxiety to come right alongside with it. TBH, for as long as I can remember, my body always acted up in the wake of any big life transition. Especially when it is unexpected (think: a sudden move, a shift in a relationship). Switching up from routine scares the hell out of me!
The way I’ve internalized / released this anxiety over the years has evolved, but historically (and to the surprise of no one that knows me well), my reaction has always been extreme. My go-to coping mechanism when I was in elementary school was to lock myself in my room and cry in response to discomfort surrounding large shifts. Like, I would cry for too long…I’d let the scared and sad feelings overtake me whenever I was going through it. In a way, this was good because I’d move through the emotion, release it, then move on. But obviously the older I got, the more I realized how uncool and frankly annoying it was to be so hysterical, so I (tried to) scale that reaction back.
Enter: cool girl. In high school and into my early 20’s, I’d repress my feelings when faced with change. I didn’t want to come across weak by acknowledging fear, so I’d pretty much deny them entirely. I’d divert my attention immediately and avoid, avoid, avoid. Also, I just didn’t want to make my problems anyone else’s! How fucking embarrassing is it that I’m spiraling this much, I’d think. People endure change all the time. I’ve got it good. Change is good, SHUT UP!
As a result of shoving my nerves down, my anxiety and shame would metastasize into weird physical ailments; I’d have bouts of insomnia, month-long headache episodes, panic attacks, knots in neck and shoulders. If I was moving, going through a break up, starting a new job, going through any significant shift - younger me was on her way to the doctor! But as far as I was concerned, me feeling ill had NOTHING to do with my feelings!! I was sick, but I was still a cool girl!!!
…thank god for therapy… 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊
I’m only just now hitting my stride with processing my emotions in a more balanced way, which has helped me embrace change. My therapist has called this being “psychologically flexible.” I’ve learned that it’s okay to acknowledge my feelings, give them their moment and mourn the loss of what once was – ugly-eat Small Cheval, brain dump into my journal, watch trash TV, even release a good cry in bed – and then try to let them go. It’s not to say that the weird feelings will completely disappear once I own them, but I’ve found that they become less intense when I name them, make friends with them. Then I can move through them, literally – exercise, meditate, create and get back to being productive so I can welcome the new season with open arms. Only after I give myself the permission to feel it all, is when I can move forward.
I’d love to have more conversation around how we react to big life changes, because I felt shame around my responses for a long time. It’s only taken 29 years for me to realize that two things can be true at the same time: we can love change, but we can also be scared of it. The emotion around it is fleeting, but with healthy acknowledgment, followed by healthy detachment… a more level ground will come.
How do you digest transition? Do you feel like you cope with it in a healthy way? How do you move through the shift, and then forward? DM me if any of this resonates with you.
X 😊 X 😊
~Melli
