I am cringe, but I am free

At long last - my very own sunny (and emo) corner of the internet. Welcome!

I’ve blogged on and off since I was a preteen - Xanga <3, Tumblr <33, Wordpress </3 - but with each digital diary, I’ve always come up with reasons to shut it down.  

The common theme between all the reasons…*insert my heart palpitations as a drumroll*…: I was scared! What would people think of me? What would they think of my writing?? What would they think about me sharing my feelings??? 

Ohhhh fear and creativity, a tale as old as time. I feel an obligation to address the fear / creativity narrative because for so long, I LIVED it. Breathed it. Was my personal brand. I want to call myself out here: I’ve been a person who talks a lotttt about wanting to pursue creative endeavors, but with little follow through. The QUEEN of excuses. Some of my entitled and anxious thoughts that I’ve verbalized to friends (read while listening to Everything Is Embarrassing by Sky Ferreira):

“I’d love to get back into blogging, but that world is too saturated…”- my ego

“I used to love to draw but I don’t do it anymore so I’m not that good at it...” – ego again. 

“I want to DJ, I bought the equipment to play around with!” *lets equipment collect dust in storage* - what should I name my ego y’all she’s a main character in this story

I’ve spent a lot of time cringing at the thought of other people cringing at me exposing myself creatively. Metacringe, if you will. 

But that’s odd, considering I don’t mind being (what some may deem as) “cringe” in other areas of self-expression. Styling fun outfits and shamelessly taking mirror pics in them, putting smiley and rainbow decor in every square inch of my home, posting PDA with my boyfriend almost daily on social media, etc. I am aware that my way of presenting myself isn’t for everyone, but I love it and enjoy sharing those pieces of my life, no holds barred.

I guess what differentiates sharing my writing with the world from the other ways that I like to express myself creatively is the fact that when I write, it’s mainly about my feelings. And I have a lot of them! Who else was gaslit as a child to believe they were “too sensitive”??

Okay, I’ve probably self-deprecated enough here. What’s making me get out of my own way so I can finally start this blog now? 

I think it’s an amalgamation of things. Partly because I’m nearing 30, I think there’s an air of “I don’t care” that comes with this age. Another huge reason is because I’ve surrounded myself with a supportive network of people who live creatively themselves. I’d also say rereading the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert like 4 times now has a lot to do with it - revisiting this quote always helps me get out of my own way:

“Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you?”

HELL YEAH I DO, LIZZY! Liz G. is bored by her fear, so i am bored by my fear. 

Another critical moment for me in releasing artistic hesitation came with a revelation that I had while spending some time in Mexico City earlier this year. A big intention of this trip was to tap into new modes of art, so my partner and I carved out time to paint, draw, read, write. When we had down time, we’d come up with prompts for poems, and would race to write and share them with each other. We took bits of flowers from our garden and formed the pieces into butterflies. We painted for fun, even tried oil painting (which was hard and I hated it). We made weekly TikToks of our adventures and romanticized everything we did. The theme with every project: just have fun. It’s not that serious. Create, release, repeat.

It was the repetition and commitment of making new things that unearthed and crystallized a new truth within my spirit: When I allow myself the space to create, I am the best version of myself. I feel more connected to who I am and the world around me. I feel joy in the purest sense. Sharing my work humbles and grounds me, while also reminding myself to not take myself so seriously. It’s a mystical and empowering feeling that transcends any aforementioned fear. I realized that I love this feeling more than I’ll ever love my ego. 

Wishful thinking here, but maybe addressing my fear and doing the thing anyway will inspire someone else to flex their creative muscle? Or simply motivate them to finally do the thing (whatever it is) that they’ve been putting off? 

Candidly, that is my “why.” My baseline is happy, creative, but I also run anxious * as I’m sure you’ve picked up on by now *  – if I can make and share things with the world, I promise you, you can, too. And I genuinely hope you do it! I am so inspired by people that try on creative pursuits for the hell of it.

Okay, I’ll hop off my high horse now…I’m excited to let this new adventure take shape! I want to skip the small talk and write to you like we’re BFFs philosophizing over coffee. I want to get spiritual and mushy (mushi) with it. Expect prose and poems that magnify personal highs, navigate the depths of lows and examine life happenings in between. Hope some of my musings resonate with you <3

X 😊 X 😊

~Melli